remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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