one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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