I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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