note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
