fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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