I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
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I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
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I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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