Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
