Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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