Swine flu. Run for my life!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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