I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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