Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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