I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
