Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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