your parents love me but you hate me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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