The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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