Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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