the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
