So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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