If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
