I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
