I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
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They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal