Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill