Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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