Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
