this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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