Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
