If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
