Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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