I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
