6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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