Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
