bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
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he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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