I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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