if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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