Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
zippers are such a cool invention
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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