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Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
