God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This is my gift to your gina
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
