I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
