I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
