1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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