Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There's even glitter on my cock...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
