how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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