I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
