ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
