he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
