Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
