Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
