so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
handjob tips. give me some.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
