Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
