the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
