This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Randomize
