Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
