found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
