I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
They took my balls.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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