I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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