drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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