I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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